We were 5 weeks along when we found out we were pregnant. Our emotions were all over the place! Excited, nervous, happy, scared…but it didn’t feel real quite yet. And I wasn’t sure when it would. When a doc says I’m pregnant? When I feel sick? When we have an ultrasound? When I start seeing a belly? I had no idea. But it didn’t matter. We were having a baby. The stick said so.
In the coming weeks I would experience things I could never imagine. Both incredible and devastating. Nausea was no joke for me. I could not kick it…ginger beer, ginger ale, preggie pops, constantly eating, nothing helped. I hoped and prayed that I would not be cursed to have it the entire pregnancy. And the exhaustion was out of this world. I could barely make it through my workday without falling asleep. I was sleeping 10-12 hours a night.
Our 7 week ultrasound was priceless. Seeing our blueberry with a fluttering heartbeat was beyond amazing. Now it was starting to feel real.
Around 10 weeks we started sharing the news. We also started writing down names we liked. And thinking about the future and what our life will be like once our kumquat enters this world…
Then December 5th rolls around. It was 12 weeks exactly. I started to have an uncomfortable amount of bleeding (I had some spotting earlier in the pregnancy that wasn’t an issue) so I called my OB. She had me come in right away for an exam to make sure everything was okay. It wasn’t.
I was having a miscarriage.
Devestated. Heartbroken. Upset. Angry. Sad. Furious. If I could even begin to try and describe how the news made me feel, these are the words.
Why me?! Why did this have to happen to me?! What did I do wrong? Is it really gone? Maybe they're wrong and this is all a terrible nightmare. But it wasn't. The next few hours and days were literally the worst days of my life. Nothing can prepare you for the experience. I opted to let the miscarriage happen naturally versus having a D&C (minor surgery) or meds to make things progress faster. Though it was tough, I’m glad I made that decision.
Of course I had heard of miscarriage before but didn’t know how common it actually is (30 – 40% of all pregnancies end in m/c) and never thought it would happen to me. Our OB explained that they are so common and there’s no way to know why it happens but it was most likely a ‘chromosomal abnormality’.
Dean and I decided to share our experience publicly and the outpour of support was overwhelming. It turns out that I know MANY people that have had a similar experience. I’m thankful beyond words for encouragement and support that I’ve had.
Another question I had was when could we start trying again. If I asked 5 people, I got 5 answers. Ultimately the most frequent answer was ‘when you’re ready’. We decided to let one cycle come and go to make sure things were working properly again and give my body some time to recover and heal. And since we conceived on the first try, we were sure it would happen fast again. That’s what I needed. To be pregnant again. That’s what would help me move on from the miscarriage.